Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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