She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
