I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
