im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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