okay pat passed out under dana's car
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
