Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
