3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
