it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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