Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
