When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
