She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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