Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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