One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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