The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize