You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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