I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
