I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
