I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You can't motorboat a personality
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Randomize
