I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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