I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
sex in a hospital.. check
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
