as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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