the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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