I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
