My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
