I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
