At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
