forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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