Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My penis needs a shock collar
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
