a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
