just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
