I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
