Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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