smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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