Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
