Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
