Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
