am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Is this like a preordered booty call?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
