i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just threw up on my dentist
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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