After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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