im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
