Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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