but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
