I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
