Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
