My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
