just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize