Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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