I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
