Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
