You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
