I'm pants shitting drunk right now
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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