was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
