last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
either way he was missing a nipple.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
