We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
