The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
