ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
