got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
