I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
